NOW, let me start out by saying... I thought I was a breastfeeding genius before little Grace was born. Get them right to the breast after birth, Skin to skin, No pacifiers before 2 weeks, no a month, NO 2 MONTHS, avoid nipple confusion by not giving a bottle, nurse on demand, NURSE NURSE NURSE.
I thought I knew everything. And then. She came. She was here, and I was ready. She was put right on me and I tried to get her to my breast ASAP. AND? She wanted nothing to do with it. She wanted to cry and sleep, cry and sleep, CRY and sleep.
I spent the first night being annoyed at all the nurses that came in trying to 'help' me. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NATURAL. UGH I was annoyed. My breasts were too big and her mouth was so small.
What I'm saying is... it was hard. And it didn't get better for a while. I spent many nights sobbing. Literally crying with my baby at 3 in the morning because she wanted to nurse AGAIN and I needed to sleep.
I thought I couldn't do it. I asked my husband, "Will you be mad if we formula feed? I just can't keep doing this" to which he gave me a confused face. I mean, of course he said 'no' but after the hours of lectures I gave him while I was pregnant about how important breastfeeding was? After the dozens of articles I read to him about the benefits for mother and baby? After telling him "I will breastfeed her until SHE stops" SELF WEANING FTW. And now I am asking him to pick up formula at the store? But I thought I couldn't do it.
Everytime I asked, my husband would say "give it one more day" so I would. I wanted to like breastfeeding, I wanted to have the bond... but man I wanted to have a full night of sleep so bad. I would watch my husband sleeping next to me after the baby woke up for the 4th time to nurse and be screaming inside.
But it got better, slowly. And soon it wasn't just better, it was great. And soon after that, it was... incredible. It was exactly what I wanted, the bond, the drunk milky smiles, her hand holding mine and looking at me with her big beautiful eyes. It was amazing.
But it took weeks before we got the hang of it. And now, 6 1/2 months in, it is both of our favorite times of day.
Are there some days when I wish she would take a bottle? Some days when I am... frustrated that she is constantly attached to me? Sure, I would be a liar if I said otherwise. But I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
Now I love breastfeeding, and I get it, I get why some women don't want to, or can't deal... or just can't. I didn't even deal with engorgement or cracked nipples and I get it. But I am forever grateful that I had support to help me through those first few weeks. Because now, there is nothing better then getting to wake up and end every day with those moments.
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