On how weird and terrible and confusing loss is.

April 18th 2013 was a really really really really really bad day for me. I think that would sort of be an understatement.
I'm not sure if a lot of people can pin point the day they they lost a part of themselves. Or maybe I'm wrong because one of the many things that universally unites us is loss. All of us will experience it in some form or another in their lives. It's just apart of the puzzle.
 April 18, 2013 was the day that I lost my first daughter when I was 19 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I had a termination for medical reasons, she wasn't growing right. The story of what happened to her is long and something I don't care to dig into right now. But her heart and brain didn't develop correctly. She wasn't going to live outside of me.
For the first year after I lost her, I walked around in a haze. I got pregnant quickly after my loss and it was the happiest and most terrifying thing that could have happened to me.
But even being pregnant with a different child, the loss of my first still felt endless. I didn't feel like I could breathe.
On the one year anniversary of my loss I had already had Grace who was a healthy, vibrant,  perfect 2 month old. Her and I went down to the beach together, I laid her on a blanket and I wrote every single thing I wanted to say on a piece of paper to the daughter I lost. I told her about how much I loved Grace. I told her I wondered if she would have looked like her sister. I told her about how I still ache for her every single day of my life. I told her that I wished more then anything she was with me. I told her how confused I was because if she was with me, I wouldn't have Grace and I loved Grace more then anything in the entire world. I told her everything. And I let that paper go into ocean. And I sat on a blanket and quietly sobbed while looking down at Grace nursing. Cursing the universe for everything it took from me and thanking it at the same time for everything it gave me.
The next year was just as hard. I didn't think about her every day like I had  the year before, but she would cross my mind very often, and I would lay in bed with Grace while she slept and cry thinking about her. But on the two-year anniversary of my loss I spent it with a good friend of mine. She knew very well what I've been through and that day we did all of my favorite things. We got a good cup of coffee, went to all my favorite thrift stores, and while Grace napped in the car- we sat at the beach and cried together. I told her all the things I had written in my letter last year. And how I don't understand why this hole didn't seem to be getting any smaller.
Fast forward to the three-year anniversary of my loss. I am in the thick of it with my two-year-old. Spring is in the air, and we are outside playing happily. And then it hits me like a brick- I truly felt as if someone had dropped a piano on me. I woke up not even knowing it was the day that I lost a part of myself. I still thought of her often, I have a box of her clothes that we had bought her when we found out she was a girl and her ultrasound pictures. That box is still so hard for me to touch I've only done it twice since I lost her.  But there I was, on the three-year anniversary of losing a part of my heart and I didn't even remember until well into the afternoon.
And I held it together until I put Grace down for a nap. And then I sat in my backyard crying until I couldn't breathe anymore.
How could I have forgotten? How could everyone have forgotten? What am I supposed to do? How I'm I supposed to move, breathe, be a mother today? I waited outside in my backyard and I cried until I heard Grace woke up. And then I put my mom boots back on, I wiped my eyes, and I scooped my beautiful daughter into my arms and we went to the beach and said hello to her. And I laid on the sand watching Grace play, even though it was absolutely freezing, and I let myself cry and smile all at the same time and I let myself be OK with the fact that I was only with Grace on this day, I let myself be OK with the fact that I didn't remember because I was so caught up in motherhood. And I told myself that I knew not remembering didn't mean I didn't still miss her. Or love her.
Loss is something that is so hard to talk about. But I don't want to not talk about her, and everything she gave to me, and everything she taught me. I guess the reason I'm sharing this two days later, is because loss so confusing -Day to day you can feel completely different about it. And there's no shame in crying, and there's no shame in trying to smile through it. And there is no shame in not always feeling the pain of the loss, and it's okay that some days it feels like it's going to kill you. It's all okay.

On more babies and how sometimes things change.

I am so so sooooooo excited to say that my husband and I are finally TRYING for another baby! There aren't words for how excited I am.
While I was pregnant with Grace,  I wanted 5 kids... no 10 actually. I wanted to fill my house with beautiful little humans to love and make memories with. I wanted them to all be 2 years apart and I wanted them to all be best friends and take care of each other. I wanted Sunday mornings to be filled with dance parties while daddy cooked pancakes, I wanted bedtime to be crazy and loud with kids fighting over the sink to brush their teeth, I wanted all of that.
But then when Grace was born, I had what I would consider to be, postpartum depression.  I was never officially diagnosed but man, those few months after her birth were so rough I sometimes didn't think I would make it through everyday. I was so tired and constantly scared, it was tough.
Thankfully after a few months those feeling subsided and we got caught up in the routine of motherhood and babyhood and all was well and happy. However, even though I was feeling much better and loved motherhood oh so much, I still didn't ever want anymore kids. I couldn't have imagined going through that again, I couldn't have imagined loving another baby as much as Grace. And honestly, I didn't want to add another human to the mix, I loved Grace, George and I, and I didn't need to add another baby.
But then, maybe two months ago, it hit. My want for another baby. My NEED to snuggle another little human again. I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to go through another natural child birth. I wanted those long exhausting nights and sweet baby smiles. I started seeing visions of dance parties and pancakes again.
After much discussion with George we finally decided that we are ready for another baby and we cannot wait to go through this whole, amazing, process again! I won't lie, I'm scared, but I know that it is so worth all the hard, because you get so much more good.

Everything Wonderful About Fall.

We welcomed fall this year with four days of constant rain. We were cooped up inside for the first time in months.
Don't get me wrong, I love the summer. Swimming, boating, smores, warm nights by campfires. All that stuff is so good.
But on where I live in Massachusetts, summer also brings a lot of stress. In the summer months the population grows from about 200,000 people to well over 500,000. So with the longer days also comes longer lines and a lot of traffic.
My husband's job also gets busier so we see much less of him, and Grace and I too follow suit- We have beach parties, library meet ups and playdates galore.
But then it happens, a shift in the weather and everyone leaves and our man made island becomes peaceful (and sort of lonely) again. We take leisurely walks on the beach bundled up with hot coffee in hand. We venture over the bridge for apple picking and there is no traffic. We spend whole days inside baking and smiling and we don't feel guilty for missing out on the 'perfect summer weather'.
I have to say, it is so nice.
As I type this I have pumpkin cookies baking in the oven and George and Grace are taking an afternoon nap. Sigur Ros is playing on my record player and I am cozy warm in my fuzzy sweatshirt and socks. Every room in my house is clean and my heart is so full of gratitude for this cloudy fall day.
It is the moments like this, that make you realize how little it really takes to make you truly happy.
Here are some pictures of the last few fall days-

Motherhood.

Motherhood is hard isn't it?
You have all these ideas in your head about things that you will do, or want to do, and they end before they even really start. You realize you have another human you are responsible for and they come first. You know, things like 'start a blog' or 'go to the gym' or 'make dinner'. So it's been over a year since my first post on here, and I just stopped... because motherhood is... hard.

But it is pretty amazing too, right? Everything that comes with the hard is so so so good. Like somehow even though you have said 15 times to "PLEASE stop eating crayons", it is still so cute when they have yellow, red and purple smiles looking up at you.
Or when you get frustrated because they won't stop throwing books down the stairs but while you are cleaning them up they come up behind you and kiss your back.
Or when they wake up at 3 am and you are so tired you want to scream but they snuggle into you and say 'wuv yuv mama' as they drift back to sleep.
Yes, the bitter with the sweet makes the sweet so much sweeter.

So motherhood has been here, all consuming. But I want to give this another shot. Because... well because why not.

Here are some photos of my not so baby, baby, who is now a whopping 19 months old!

Breastfeeding 101.

Did the title of this post confuse you? I hope you didn't start reading this to get an experts opinion. I am far from one. But I have been wading through this tricky task for almost 7 months, and I think we have a pretty good grasp on it.
NOW, let me start out by saying... I thought I was a breastfeeding genius before little Grace was born. Get them right to the breast after birth, Skin to skin, No pacifiers before 2 weeks, no a month, NO 2 MONTHS, avoid nipple confusion by not giving a bottle, nurse on demand, NURSE NURSE NURSE. 
I thought I knew everything. And then. She came. She was here, and I was ready. She was put right on me and I tried to get her to my breast ASAP. AND? She wanted nothing to do with it. She wanted to cry and sleep, cry and sleep, CRY and sleep.
I spent the first night being annoyed at all the nurses that came in trying to 'help' me. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NATURAL. UGH I was annoyed. My breasts were too big and her mouth was so small.
What I'm saying is... it was hard. And it didn't get better for a while. I spent many nights sobbing. Literally crying with my baby at 3 in the morning because she wanted to nurse AGAIN and I needed to sleep.
I thought I couldn't do it. I asked my husband, "Will you be mad if we formula feed? I just can't keep doing this" to which he gave me a confused face. I mean, of course he said 'no' but after the hours of lectures I gave him while I was pregnant about how important breastfeeding was? After the dozens of articles I read to him about the benefits for mother and baby? After telling him "I will breastfeed her until SHE stops" SELF WEANING FTW. And now I am asking him to pick up formula at the store? But I thought I couldn't do it.
Everytime I asked, my husband would say "give it one more day" so I would. I wanted to like breastfeeding, I wanted to have the bond... but man I wanted to have a full night of sleep so bad. I would watch my husband sleeping next to me after the baby woke up for the 4th time to nurse and be screaming inside.
But it got better, slowly. And soon it wasn't just better, it was great. And soon after that, it was... incredible. It was exactly what I wanted, the bond, the drunk milky smiles, her hand holding mine and looking at me with her big beautiful eyes. It was amazing.
But it took weeks before we got the hang of it. And now, 6 1/2 months in, it is both of our favorite times of day.
Are there some days when I wish she would take a bottle? Some days when I am... frustrated that she is constantly attached to me? Sure, I would be a liar if I said otherwise. But I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
Now I love breastfeeding, and I get it, I get why some women don't want to, or can't deal... or just can't. I didn't even deal with engorgement or cracked nipples and I get it. But I am forever grateful that I had support to help me through those first few weeks. Because now, there is nothing better then getting to wake up and end every day with those moments.

 My first Mother's Day nursing in the park :)

A Start...

So here I am. Dabbling in the world of blogging. What? ME? 
Today I was thinking "I need a way to connect with like minded people, or... people I like at the very least' and in the distance I heard the internet calling.
Okay, but in all seriousness, I thought not only could a blog be a great way to keep memories, but also, if I get lucky, I may find some people that I connect with.

SO let me start by saying, HI!

I'm Anna and I'm married to a great guy named George! 

(this is us!)

And we have a stunning baby girl named Grace. Grace SUNSHINE (hence the blog title, and yes that is her real middle name... in all fairness it was my grandmother's middle name, but it suits her well.)

She is pretty much the most wonderful thing that I have ever laid my eyes on. She is smart and funny and basically... perfection.

This blog will probably consist of a lot of pictures of this babies face. I just can't help it. She is so beautiful. 

But here is a little bit more about me. I became a mom February 14th 2014 (YEP, Valentines Day baby!), and she is the most amazing thing that I have ever been lucky enough to be apart of. I love being a mom. Adore it actually. I am grateful because I get to be a stay at home mom and watch this baby grow!  My husband works very hard as a Captain of a fishing boat to make this possible.

I love traveling, when I was 18 I backpacked around Europe with my best friend for 2 months. I learned more about myself and the world then I ever could have (at that point in my life) in a classroom. I cannot wait to travel with Grace. Our first international trip will be in about 2 months. I am so looking forward to instilling an excitement for adventure in her, like I have.

I have a passion for photography and do it as a side job. While I like taking pictures of and for people, my true passion lies not with wedding photography, but with artistic! 

We are a mostly organic/natural house. Not vegetarian however.  We are attachment parents, baby wearers and we make our own baby food (for the most part haha)

I love makeup... (totally not organic... I know, I know, we all have are faults).

I live in a small ocean side town so the water means a lot to me. We spend many of our summer days on boats and with our feet in the sand. I have lived in the same town my whole life. 

So thanks for coming on this journey with me... if anyone is reading this... but if not, maybe I'll learn some things about myself!