On more babies and how sometimes things change.

I am so so sooooooo excited to say that my husband and I are finally TRYING for another baby! There aren't words for how excited I am.
While I was pregnant with Grace,  I wanted 5 kids... no 10 actually. I wanted to fill my house with beautiful little humans to love and make memories with. I wanted them to all be 2 years apart and I wanted them to all be best friends and take care of each other. I wanted Sunday mornings to be filled with dance parties while daddy cooked pancakes, I wanted bedtime to be crazy and loud with kids fighting over the sink to brush their teeth, I wanted all of that.
But then when Grace was born, I had what I would consider to be, postpartum depression.  I was never officially diagnosed but man, those few months after her birth were so rough I sometimes didn't think I would make it through everyday. I was so tired and constantly scared, it was tough.
Thankfully after a few months those feeling subsided and we got caught up in the routine of motherhood and babyhood and all was well and happy. However, even though I was feeling much better and loved motherhood oh so much, I still didn't ever want anymore kids. I couldn't have imagined going through that again, I couldn't have imagined loving another baby as much as Grace. And honestly, I didn't want to add another human to the mix, I loved Grace, George and I, and I didn't need to add another baby.
But then, maybe two months ago, it hit. My want for another baby. My NEED to snuggle another little human again. I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to go through another natural child birth. I wanted those long exhausting nights and sweet baby smiles. I started seeing visions of dance parties and pancakes again.
After much discussion with George we finally decided that we are ready for another baby and we cannot wait to go through this whole, amazing, process again! I won't lie, I'm scared, but I know that it is so worth all the hard, because you get so much more good.

Everything Wonderful About Fall.

We welcomed fall this year with four days of constant rain. We were cooped up inside for the first time in months.
Don't get me wrong, I love the summer. Swimming, boating, smores, warm nights by campfires. All that stuff is so good.
But on where I live in Massachusetts, summer also brings a lot of stress. In the summer months the population grows from about 200,000 people to well over 500,000. So with the longer days also comes longer lines and a lot of traffic.
My husband's job also gets busier so we see much less of him, and Grace and I too follow suit- We have beach parties, library meet ups and playdates galore.
But then it happens, a shift in the weather and everyone leaves and our man made island becomes peaceful (and sort of lonely) again. We take leisurely walks on the beach bundled up with hot coffee in hand. We venture over the bridge for apple picking and there is no traffic. We spend whole days inside baking and smiling and we don't feel guilty for missing out on the 'perfect summer weather'.
I have to say, it is so nice.
As I type this I have pumpkin cookies baking in the oven and George and Grace are taking an afternoon nap. Sigur Ros is playing on my record player and I am cozy warm in my fuzzy sweatshirt and socks. Every room in my house is clean and my heart is so full of gratitude for this cloudy fall day.
It is the moments like this, that make you realize how little it really takes to make you truly happy.
Here are some pictures of the last few fall days-

Motherhood.

Motherhood is hard isn't it?
You have all these ideas in your head about things that you will do, or want to do, and they end before they even really start. You realize you have another human you are responsible for and they come first. You know, things like 'start a blog' or 'go to the gym' or 'make dinner'. So it's been over a year since my first post on here, and I just stopped... because motherhood is... hard.

But it is pretty amazing too, right? Everything that comes with the hard is so so so good. Like somehow even though you have said 15 times to "PLEASE stop eating crayons", it is still so cute when they have yellow, red and purple smiles looking up at you.
Or when you get frustrated because they won't stop throwing books down the stairs but while you are cleaning them up they come up behind you and kiss your back.
Or when they wake up at 3 am and you are so tired you want to scream but they snuggle into you and say 'wuv yuv mama' as they drift back to sleep.
Yes, the bitter with the sweet makes the sweet so much sweeter.

So motherhood has been here, all consuming. But I want to give this another shot. Because... well because why not.

Here are some photos of my not so baby, baby, who is now a whopping 19 months old!

Breastfeeding 101.

Did the title of this post confuse you? I hope you didn't start reading this to get an experts opinion. I am far from one. But I have been wading through this tricky task for almost 7 months, and I think we have a pretty good grasp on it.
NOW, let me start out by saying... I thought I was a breastfeeding genius before little Grace was born. Get them right to the breast after birth, Skin to skin, No pacifiers before 2 weeks, no a month, NO 2 MONTHS, avoid nipple confusion by not giving a bottle, nurse on demand, NURSE NURSE NURSE. 
I thought I knew everything. And then. She came. She was here, and I was ready. She was put right on me and I tried to get her to my breast ASAP. AND? She wanted nothing to do with it. She wanted to cry and sleep, cry and sleep, CRY and sleep.
I spent the first night being annoyed at all the nurses that came in trying to 'help' me. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE NATURAL. UGH I was annoyed. My breasts were too big and her mouth was so small.
What I'm saying is... it was hard. And it didn't get better for a while. I spent many nights sobbing. Literally crying with my baby at 3 in the morning because she wanted to nurse AGAIN and I needed to sleep.
I thought I couldn't do it. I asked my husband, "Will you be mad if we formula feed? I just can't keep doing this" to which he gave me a confused face. I mean, of course he said 'no' but after the hours of lectures I gave him while I was pregnant about how important breastfeeding was? After the dozens of articles I read to him about the benefits for mother and baby? After telling him "I will breastfeed her until SHE stops" SELF WEANING FTW. And now I am asking him to pick up formula at the store? But I thought I couldn't do it.
Everytime I asked, my husband would say "give it one more day" so I would. I wanted to like breastfeeding, I wanted to have the bond... but man I wanted to have a full night of sleep so bad. I would watch my husband sleeping next to me after the baby woke up for the 4th time to nurse and be screaming inside.
But it got better, slowly. And soon it wasn't just better, it was great. And soon after that, it was... incredible. It was exactly what I wanted, the bond, the drunk milky smiles, her hand holding mine and looking at me with her big beautiful eyes. It was amazing.
But it took weeks before we got the hang of it. And now, 6 1/2 months in, it is both of our favorite times of day.
Are there some days when I wish she would take a bottle? Some days when I am... frustrated that she is constantly attached to me? Sure, I would be a liar if I said otherwise. But I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
Now I love breastfeeding, and I get it, I get why some women don't want to, or can't deal... or just can't. I didn't even deal with engorgement or cracked nipples and I get it. But I am forever grateful that I had support to help me through those first few weeks. Because now, there is nothing better then getting to wake up and end every day with those moments.

 My first Mother's Day nursing in the park :)